Epiphany

Permission to start over every Monday.

a manifestation of a divine or supernatural being; or

a moment of sudden revelation or insight.

-Epiphany.

My super power is sleep. My weakness is also sleep.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with sleep. We can blame childhood head trauma, OCD, nature, nurture, the full moon. But the fact is simple: sleep is my favorite when I have the time.

It was the middle of this past Saturday where I suddenly feel compelled to lay down and sleep, I do. Poof. I sleep so well in the afternoons. If only my career could understand this. Hah.

The magical thing that happened is that instead of feeling groggy or off because it went from being 4 PM to 7 PM, I felt replenished. I’m sure there’s a whole study about women’s sleep cycles and how this is actually a thing but I don’t have time to be worried about that right now.

I had an epiphany. A light bulb moment. Or as my personal hero, Oprah Winfrey would say, an aha moment.

Suddenly, a missing part of my current work-in-progress novel clicked. I decided to change the story’s point of view despite having roughly 9,000 words already written. I also decided I’m going to balance my fiction, a style I struggle with, with non-fiction.

I’m going to share my non-fiction stories more regularly. On here. Facebook. Threads. That other blog. Wherever they’ll have me.

On a deeper level something also clicked: I can change my own life’s point of view.

I will no longer allow myself to be burdened by anyone’s timelines for myself.

I’m 30.

My whole life I grew up around women who acted like your life was over after 30. Or after you had kids. Or that you had to have kids before 35 because you will dry up and be useless. You know, all that fun depressing stuff women parrot to each other. I remember when my own mother turned 30 and I, at 4 years old went “wow mommy, that’s so many numbers.” She cried.

I thought I would have 4 kids by 30. I thought I needed to be married and have at least one child by now. Life however, has dealt me a consistently difficult hand to play but I’m to a point where I’ve gained some confidence in how I’m playing.

For years I’ve dwelled on the numbers; the finance numbers, the word count numbers, the follower numbers, the amount of fertilizable eggs I still have.

I woke up and decided I have so much more control than I realized.

I don’t need to check off a box to fit into a mold I made for myself when I was 11. Or a mold I made for myself at 22. Or a mold I made for myself when I got married. Or a mold I made for myself last week.

Instead, I wake up and I meet the woman who has stood ten toes down to every demon that has tried to eat me alive.

I have woken up despite the pain from heartbreaks in my 20s. I have ran from broken homes and made my own safe place. I have rescued friends from similar situations I would face on my own. I have counted change and said prayers on the side of highways. I have shown up to events and smiled despite my depression. I have begged the earth to swallow me whole. I have showered after being covered in the blood of my baby’s miscarriage. I have held my husband through his own grief. I have persevered through countless nights of school only to wake up at 6 AM to go work a full day in a demanding job.

I have made peace with my body. I have given my mind some much needed rest. I have allowed my heart to break as many times as it needs. There is no need for limits on how many times one can rest or how many times we should let our hearts break.

So now, I look forward to living. To writing. To working. To planning my own family in a way that fits me. The version of me that has played countless hands of life’s chaotic card game.

Because after all this time and the experiences I’ve had to unbury myself from, I know what I am capable of. I know what I will and won’t tolerate. And I know that numbers are just that —numbers.

MONDAY WE START OVER

That’s what I’m telling myself in the new year; that every Monday we start over.

Whether it was a good week, bad night, rough sleep, great time, we are choosing Monday to be number 1. It’s the first day of a fresh week. It’s not “3 months since xxx,” or “4 weeks until xxx,” it’s just Monday. It’s the Present. It’s whatever I decide to be that day.

So, happy Monday. It’s day 1 of a new week.