July and PMDD
Writing more and more is starting to feel like learning how to ride a bike.
I wrote multiple times this month yet not once on here.
Throwing myself into a novel is actual work, ya’ll. Not to mention my day job. I come home and I am ready to crawl into bed as soon as the dogs are done galivanting around the back yard. I love my job, truly, it makes my brain tired but a good kind of tired.
July felt good - reflective and peaceful. Busy but not too busy. Received the best compliment in my career thus far, and I may have made the attorney write it down so I could frame it. Hit a few adult wins this month as well, like cleaning out the basement and scheduling appointments I procrastinated for myself. Yet despite all of these highs I must be transparent and let you know that there were multiple days where my mental illness got the best of me.
It’s funny how my brain works: one moment I am feeling on top of the world, organizing my closet, attending writers groups, and laying out in the sun. The next, I’m on the floor of my bathroom hyper ventilating and crying while the hair dryer blows.
My sweet boy Miles comforts me with his paw and I feel bad the he finds me here. What is wrong with me?
And the next day? I’m perfectly fine. No longer mumbling tears and panic to my husband. He has become accustomed to comforting me and to his credit, he only seems annoyed sometimes. As if he knows that this too shall pass.
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD for short, is what I’ve found to be the culprit of my complete blips of sanity. It’s where you feel helpless, lost, and truly in the dark. Irritated and anxious. When the cloud lifts I look back at myself and think wow, I truly lost my damn mind over expired milk, why does this happen?
I’m working on what I can do to help my mental health. Just when I think I’m ahead and doing so much better, life serves me another plate I don’t want to eat. So I will do what I’ve always done and dig in, clean the plate, put it away, and hopefully find a new way to approach this plate the next time it’s on the menu. And it will be. Because these types of disorders don’t just go away. I’ll learn to manage but it is nice to have a name for that ugly face that takes over my brain every month.
On a lighter note, I’m watching Mad Men for the first time.
What are you watching? What are you reading? Or more interestingly, what are you writing?
-Liz